As I try to imagine the perfect first blog post of my life, I can’t escape this crippling fear that it won’t be impactful enough for anyone to want to read it. Do I try to articulate my ideas of how a well practiced blowjob can thin the veil of experiencing heaven on earth? Or should I talk about how I believe stories of Jesus healing people with a simple touch can be experienced to this day within the sex-work community? Maybe diving into the book of Ruth to explore a story where the main character, a woman, used her sexuality to gain power all under God’s will would be a better starter... This first post is just too much pressure!
Then I think, “Come on dude… The MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) took 10 years to flesh out a great story. Give yourself a break. Just get an intro out there like Iron Man did.” So here goes nothing.
I am Iron Man.
Haha! Not in a super hero way though. More like a bad sex joke kinda way.
I’ve been having iron hardons for quite a while now. It feels just like yesterday when I was ripping PlayBoy centerfolds from my grandpa’s, comically large, collection of magazines upstairs in the attic. I’d sneak them home and hide them in a thermos I kept in the back corner of my room under my bed. Only to be taken out on the rare occasion no one else was in the house.
It didn’t take long to form guilt and shame around my private stash. Church made sure I knew it was a sin to even think about a person naked. But let's be honest, those scare tactics and threats never really stopped me. I may have pulled together enough self-control to hold off for a week when I was feeling extra guilty, but never actually got me to stop being sexually active. I wasn’t a Christian who desperately wanted to get married to have sex. I desperately wanted to get married so I no longer felt guilty for having sex.
Not only did the church help cultivate shame around sex, but it never taught me anything about the “God pleasing” sex I could finally have once I was married. When I eventually did get married, the shame didn’t magically go away. I didn’t know how to communicate to my spouse about my wants and needs, what my fantasies were, how to incorporate toys to enhance the sex, or even how consent works.
It was drilled into me for over a decade to NOT HAVE SEX!
Don’t have sex because it separates you from God.
Don’t have sex or you will have nothing left for your future spouse.
If you have sex you will always compare your past sexual relationships with your future spouse.
Sex before you’re married will do nothing but set you up for failure and heartache in your future marriage.
But now that you’re married go ahead and figure out for yourselves how to have a healthy sexual relationship because we, the church, don’t talk about sex.
For this, my marriage took a toll in its early years.
Why hadn’t my Christian teachings taught anything about this stuff?
If sex is a gift from God for married people, then why don’t we teach anything about how to do it safely and the best way(s) possible for when people do get married?
I say “we” because I’m still a part of the Church. In fact, I have my master's degree from Luther Seminary and am currently serving a congregation in the Mid-West of the United States.
But I think I have some insightful thoughts, or at least interesting thoughts, stemming from communities who spend much more time understanding the intricacies of sex. In my research I’ve come to believe the love of Christ is present within practices spread across sexual communities such as BDSM, kink, polyamory, swingers, sex workers, LGBTQ+, and more.
I’d like to share these thoughts with you. Maybe it will open an avenue for someone to encounter Christ. Maybe it will open the eyes of some conservative Christians. Maybe it can help begin to heal the pain a church has caused someone by condemning their sexual activity. I simply seek to share Christ everywhere I go and this is the area of my life where I find God more and more often. I hope to bring good into someone’s world by having these discussions and sharing my point of view.
I know it won’t be for everyone, but neither was Jesus.
First things first though. I’m not ready to share exactly who I am. Like I said, I still serve in a church and I have a hard time trusting my church would want to keep me on staff after hearing my beliefs around sex and faith. Let’s be real, churches are barely getting traction trying to be LGBTQIA+ affirming. That is only a piece of the pie I want to cover when exploring Scripture and sexual relationships and activities.
As we move forward, I ask anyone who ends up being a part of this community and joining in the discussion to please respect my anonymity and anyone else here. I promise, there is no exciting man behind the curtain here. Just your average cisgender, heterosexual, white male hurt by the Church and seeks to help change it’s course by simply talking about sex and where I see God is in all of this. Join me on this adventure and come with an open mind. God is in everything including the loud, sweaty, slippery, messy, dirty, wall shaking, bed breaking, costume wearing, toy vibrating, harness strapping, sweet sweet love making, sex we all have in some capacity.
So let's talk about it.
-The Dirty Minister